


Help is Other People

by in_deepest_blue



Category: Fushigi Yuugi
Genre: (in the novels Nakago & Soi don't see each other for 1yr after Seiran Den), F/M, Slight Canon Divergence, but no actual rape depicted in this fic, helps if you read the novel, implied sex, some references to angry but consensual sex, some references to prostitution and rape, spoilers for the Nakago-centric novel Seiran Den, though it's ok if you didn't!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:41:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26392072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/in_deepest_blue/pseuds/in_deepest_blue
Summary: Five times Nakago felt and/or showed affection for Soi but was in denial about it, and one time that he was honest with himself and her.
Relationships: Nakago/Soi (Fushigi Yuugi)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 5





	Help is Other People

**Author's Note:**

> It's been nearly two decades since I got into Fushigi Yuugi, and yet I haven't fallen out of love with Nakago/Soi, one of my oldest OTPs. Obviously, I don't actively think of this pairing all the time, but I recently saw some fanart of them (in the year of lord 2020, oh wow!). And while those works have no relation to this fic, I felt motivated to write something for this bittersweet couple.
> 
> Do note that, while this fic does not depict any rape scenes, Nakago and Soi both had violent, turbulent pasts that included rape; some references to their backstories are made in passing.
> 
> Also, while you don't have to read Seiran Den to understand this fic, having read it greatly helps!

i.

“As long as the priestess isn’t here, there is no need for us to see each other,” Nakago coldly utters. At this, Tomo merely nods and leaves, his trailing headdress fluttering in the wind, but Soi remains.

“Please,” she begs, the countenance of a fierce warrior now replaced by that of a vulnerable young woman, “let me stay by your side! I have nowhere to go, and the late shogun, he… he asked me to take care of you…”

At this, Nakago’s porcelain-like face, typically unreadable, betrays him with a wince. Gi Koyuu’s serene face, completely unbothered by dying at the hands of the son he’d secretly watched over from a distance, is still clearly etched in his mind.

Memories of Nakago’s mother flash by quickly. His dear mother, who was shunned by her own family and most of the tribe for having a child out of wedlock, and with an outsider, no less. Never resenting him for it, she always called him her treasure, her own blessing from the heavens. But behind her warm smiles and tight embraces, there was a weariness to her, struggling to raise her son in this cruel world — and even as a young boy, Nakago could sometimes sense it.

The sight of the pleading woman in front of him jolts him back to the present. Rescued from a brothel with not a single penny on her, with no family to take her in… did she even have a month’s worth of wages, working as a servant girl? He thinks of the fate that would befall her if she were to leave the palace, and shudders at the thought of being the reason she’s forced back into the brothel she’d so desperately wanted out of.

“Fine. Come back with me to the palace. Let’s talk.”

That night, she heals his injuries from battle. The act is raw and rough, the mix of emotions threatening to boil over all day being sublimated into this healing session. Still, Soi is reassuring all throughout. Trying her best to soothe him, she is apologetic, even. “Please forgive my inadequacies, my lord. In raising your chi, I can only heal physical wounds and injuries, but if only I could take away your inner turmoil, too…” 

Afterward, they lie together in quietude. Nakago is lost in thought for a while, until he breaks the silence. “All right, you may stay. I’ll talk to Ba Hinhin to take you off serving duties for His Highness; best that you not catch his attention. You’ll train with me when our schedules permit, and at times, you may be excused from work to fulfill your obligations as a Seiryuu warrior.”

At this, Soi’s face is filled with immense relief. Tears start forming in her eyes. “Thank you, sir,” she begins, deferentially. “I’ll work hard and prove my worth to you! And, if you’ll let me, I’ll do my best to serve and care for you...” Nakago merely grunts in response.

As Soi drifts off to sleep, the blond shogun tells himself that this is merely a strategic arrangement. Perhaps the Priestess of Seiryuu may never appear; perhaps she may merely be a legend, even. But what harm is there in keeping a fellow warrior close by and cultivating an alliance? 

If, despite the events that just transpired, his slumber is calmer with her by his side, and he is not tormented with painful flashbacks that night, he brushes it off as mere coincidence.

* * *

ii.

On the way back to the palace after a mission, they pass by a market. Soi asks to stop and look around, and Nakago assents. She wastes no time looking through stalls. He has no interest in trinkets or clothes, but he follows her nonetheless, letting her take the lead.

Soi examines pieces of jewelry and cosmetics here and there, but she walks away from stall after stall without buying anything. _She has a good head on her shoulders_ , Nakago thinks. Although being one of the Seiryuu seven earns her an extra stipend ( _the one useful measure Kutou has done to support its warriors_ , Nakago muses cynically), she is mostly careful with her money, makeup being her only occasional vice. 

Nakago’s years of service to the nation that oppressed him have earned more than enough to start a family by now, if he so wanted to. And so, whenever he’s out with Soi, be it for training or a mission, he usually pays for her meals and other expenses, although she insists on paying every now and then.

Mesmerized, Soi stops at a stall peddling elegant, flowing silk robes. She eyes the garments almost reverently, and curiously touches one that catches her fancy. When Soi asks for the cheapest options, Nakago can almost feel her heart sink as the merchant lists off prices. “I’m sorry, I don’t have enough on me,” she replies sheepishly, turning to leave. 

But before she walks away, Nakago steps in to buy the robe that Soi had clearly liked the most. Nakago quickly banishes the thought that the color indeed complements her fair complexion. A soldier shouldn’t think of such mundane things; neither should he be imagining how Soi would look in that outfit.

Nakago hands the garment to a blushing, slightly flustered Soi. “Thank you, though you really didn’t have to...”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself,” Nakago says in an icy, disinterested tone. “Consider it a reward for your first successful mission. But don’t go around expecting rewards all the time.”

“Yes, sir,” she replies earnestly, clutching the robe like it’s her most prized possession. “I’ll be sure to treasure this gift!”

* * *

iii.

An auspicious date that Kutou observes as a holiday makes for a rare moment of respite for a busy man like Nakago. It’s a lazy afternoon, and he’s spending it by organizing his spartan room, beginning with his small library of scrolls — he is not one for celebration. 

Soi would much rather be outdoors, but she’s always eager to spend time with her darling, so she takes the initiative to help him out. She clears Nakago’s dressing table — which he hardly uses, anyway — of her many cosmetics spread out on it, and it’s not lost on Nakago that his room is practically also hers now. At this point, she’s most definitely spent more nights in his room than in her quarters, and rumors about Soi and Nakago being common-law spouses have been spreading.

When they’re done tidying up, he lets her browse through his collection. She can read, but she never had access to books in the brothel; luxuries were deemed wasted on mere prostitutes like her. Now she’s lying on her stomach in his bed, reading a scroll with rapt fascination. 

Nakago pretends to be reading, too, but he observes her from his desk, taking in the sight with what feels like… fondness? There’s an uncomfortable stirring in him, which he tries to push back down. He’s not supposed to feel anything anymore; he’d sworn years ago to shut off his emotions. 

Love, care, and affection... they merely made people weak and dependent, and above all, vulnerable to pain. Everyone he’d ever loved was taken away from him — such was his cursed existence. Happiness was merely a pipe dream that no god would ever bestow upon him, so why bother getting attached to fleeting things? 

And yet, for some reason, his heart feels lighter when he spends time with Soi. Dare he say that he feels at peace when she’s around?

_No; this is dangerous_ , he concludes. She is merely his bedfellow and another Seiryuu warrior, nothing more.

* * *

iv.

Soi hasn’t been feeling well since they arrived at Hokkan, since she’s not used to the cold. When they sleep together, he gives her some of his chi, though it doesn’t do much to improve her condition. Just a few days ago, she had a fever, which cleared up after some rest, chi raising, and exposure to all things warm: hot soups, tea, plus a long soak in a nice bath, which he joined after some cajoling on her part. 

She’s no longer feverish now, but she’s still not dealing too well with Hokkan’s frosty weather. She seems to be nursing a cold. Still, Soi assures him that it’s nothing to worry about; it’s just that she’s never stepped foot into a freezing northern country like Hokkan before — she’ll get used to it, she insists repeatedly.

Now, they’re in his tent. With the sun having risen, Nakago’s making plans for the day, while Soi is still asleep in his bed, cocooned in an extra-thick blanket. She knows to get up early when they have to, but otherwise, he lets her sleep in a bit longer. She’s often tired and sleepy after their healing sessions, and she needs the rest.

A little while later, Nakago’s lover awakens, greeting him with a mellow tone and a fond smile. Right away, Nakago sets about making some tea, a Hokkan blend that the locals swear by for getting through the terrain’s harsh winters. When the tea is ready, he thrusts it into her hands. “Here, drink this. Apparently it keeps the people of Hokkan warm in these times.”

She thanks him, but once again tells him that he doesn’t have to worry about her; her body just needs time to adjust, really. At this, Nakago scoffs internally. Him, worried? Preposterous. With Amiboshi out of the picture, he can’t afford to lose another warrior right now, especially not someone so capable.

* * *

v.

“At last… I was able to be useful… to you…”

It’s only been a couple of hours since Soi died. Her last words are still fresh in Nakago’s head, playing over and over like a sick refrain. She died with words full of love on her lips — a stark contrast to his last words to her. 

He tries to justify to himself that being cruel to her was for her own good, too; getting entangled in his baggage would’ve caused her to suffer, one way or another. Yet deep in the recesses of his troubled mind, part of him knows that he’s merely deluding himself. There was no reason to push her away so harshly. And besides, hurting her feelings was all for naught; she still ended up dying because of him. Now, he has her blood on his hands, literally and figuratively.

He glances down at her — he doesn’t want to think of her as a corpse, not yet — and is haunted by how strikingly familiar the sight is. If not for her blood-soaked armor, she would’ve looked exactly the way she did in slumber: peaceful and content. How someone can accept death so unhesitatingly, he cannot comprehend. Gazing at her from head to toe, he is struck by her beauty, and is reminded of what he’s lost and what he’s taken for granted. 

Beneath the armor, Nakago is a jumbled mess. Realizations begin hitting him, but his inner demons are still waging war against these epiphanies. Regardless, he finds himself unconsciously tightening his grip around Soi. He _has_ to hold on to her; he can’t let go until he gives her a proper burial. _She is a warrior_ , he rationalizes, _so she deserves better than to be discarded on the battlefield._

Something inside him hurts badly, and he wishes he knew how to stop the pain.

* * *

  
They are preparing to have lunch with Matuta, his mother, who lives just a stone’s throw away. They go by Ayuru and Kaen now, back to who they were before they were warriors — fitting, as they no longer have their powers. 

Soi and his mother had been there as Nakago drew his last breath. The moment he faced them, shame burned in him. For all his bravado as the commander of the Kutou army, he had been a coward for so long. Having caused their deaths, having given Soi the push-pull treatment, how could he face them? And yet, there they were, patiently waiting for him to join them and welcoming him with open arms.

After everything, Taiitsukun and the four gods had a reckoning, concluding that the odds were stacked against the Seiryuu warriors to begin with. They were unfairly punished for sins that their country’s rulers had committed even long before they were born. 

And so, to reconcile the Seiryuu warriors’ background circumstances with the decisions they made in life, the powers that be agreed that, instead of tormenting them further in the afterlife, the Seiryuu team were to earn their redemption through rehabilitation. Unlike the fallen Suzaku warriors, they were not granted a shot at reincarnation; instead, they were to repent and grow until they could move on to paradise or, perhaps, gain the chance to be reincarnated. 

Though her soul had long been at peace, Matuta had chosen to stay with her son to support his and his lover’s redemptive journey. And, while Kaen was told that she would most likely gain redemption sooner than Ayuru would, she resolved to stay with her beloved until he was ready, no matter how long it took.

It’s been a slow process, and sometimes it feels like an uphill battle, but Ayuru’s been learning. To start with, he’s learning to let himself be vulnerable, which includes being honest with himself, as well as the mortifying ordeal of communicating his feelings. 

Since his arrival in this realm, there’s been plenty of talking, so much that time has gone by like a blur: catching up with his mother, heaping apology after apology on Kaen for being a cruel fool to her, and making commitments to do better. No more stringing poor Kaen along with mixed messages and needless cruelty.

Ayuru doesn’t know what he’s done to deserve her love and forgiveness, but he must’ve done something right in his life to be spending eternity with her, as well as his mother and his childhood friend Taria, by his side. (Kaen had even told him, “You have nothing to apologize to me for.”)

His burgundy-haired lover isn’t the only one he has to make things up to, but she’s a start. Even as a boy, he was shy and sensitive to begin with; affectionate words were never his strong point. But he’s been trying to compensate with gestures — baby steps at a time: soft kisses, quiet walks, wordless cuddling... and _lovemaking_. That’s how he calls it now that he’s learning that sex isn’t all about trauma and pain, and that it can be pleasurable with the right person. 

Kaen is easing well into their new dynamic, too. He’s starting to see more of the brash, outspoken, and sassy side to her that he rarely saw when it was just the two of them. In life, while she’d been known to call him out and even defy him, she mostly acted like a demure, lovestruck maiden around him. Now that she’s more comfortable to be herself in his presence, she playfully teases him on occasion — the way she acted around the twins and her palace-lady friends, or when she was trading barbs with Tomo.

Tilting her head quizzically, Kaen interrupts his train of thought. “Ready to go, love?”

He answers by taking her hand in his, and squeezing it tightly. “I love you,” he says softly, barely a whisper. It was hard, admitting to himself for the first time that he loved her, but saying it to her face as they reunited in death was surprisingly easy. He doesn’t say it all the time; part of him still feels like it’s not something to be dropped so casually, but he likes seeing her face light up whenever he does.

In response, Kaen squeezes his hand back and kisses him.

**Author's Note:**

> I'd really like to think that Nakago and Soi are happy in the afterlife! I especially love my queen Soi; if I were the priestess of Seiryuu, I would've been more than enthusiastic to strike up a friendship with her!
> 
> One last thing: my headcanons for the Seiryuu warriors' afterlife were heavily inspired by The Good Place.


End file.
